The Sundays - Here's Where the Story Ends

It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore
Oh I never should have said the books that you read
Were all I loved you for
It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes me wonder why
And it's the memories of the shed that make me turn red
Surprise, surprise, surprise

Crazy I know, places I go
Make me feel so tired
I can see how people look down
I'm on the outside

Here's where the story ends.

My sister woke me up this morning at 7am to let me know our grandfather passed away today at 5:30 am in Bethlehem, PA. I was suppose to go see him yesterday but had to work til late afternoon and couldn't make the early trip with my dad. In all honesty, I could have just taken work off last minute but I didn't really want to go. I've said it before, I don't like hospitals. They're just not very happy places to be for a happy person like myself. In fact that's how I've lived most of my life, avoiding environments/situations with stress and pain. Avoidance, avoidance, avoidance. It's what keeps my own little utopic world afloat. Douglas Coupland (DC) might have called it emotional dodge ball.

A few of my ex-girlfriends once told me that I was emotionless. Which isn't completely accurate because most of my friends will tell you I'm a very happy-go-lucky type of guy. I understand happiness. I joke. I kid. I laugh. However, I think they meant I lacked the more concerned emotions. Emotions like anger and melancholy. I always wondered why I came off as such. Now I know. I'm the reigning champion of emotional dodge ball.

I've known about my grandfather's illnesses for well over a year. He's been in and out of the hospital for awhile now and I knew that his life was fading. So I distanced myself from his emphysema, his bronchitis, his pneumonia. I removed myself from the pain while he endured and fought it. I put it out of my head while my family worried. Sometimes my own selfishness disappoints me.

He was a chain smoker his entire life. What else did people expect? It finally caught up with him. My dad is also a chain smoker and I've asked him to cutback on smoking several times. He hasn't listened to my concerns. I started distancing myself from him awhile ago. I wonder if my grandfather's death will put things in perspective for him.

Upon hearing the news this morning I just stayed in bed. I really didn't know how to feel. I wanted to cry. I really did. I just couldn't. I would have gone back to bed but hearing my sisters sobbing in the hallway made me feel guilty at the very thought. So I woke up and blogged. I'm putting my thoughts in writing. Trying to make sense of them. In a way, I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve (or in more modern terms, publishing it on the internet). Regardless of how contrived it may be to some people, it's just me dealing with something new.

Here are my current thoughts. I'm relieved that my grandfather's suffering has ended. I'm confused as to why I am so calm. I'm curious as to how I can start deconstructing my utopia and reconstructing one that's a little more affectionate/compassionate. And lastly, I'm tired of running away from things.